ako

I haven’t slept for almost 36 hours now because of a false alarm about the release of board exams yesterday. It was only released tonight. Anyway, I’ll write about that in another post. For now, this is a quickie blog, just to express my boundless gratitude to God for being so faithful and true, and sticking to what we had agreed on, even if there were times when I was the one who was not fulfilling my part. God is good. God is true.

He told me He’d take care of me even if I didn’t prepare that well for the boards. As long as I obeyed Him. There were certain things in my life and in myself that I had to change and focus on, and that’s what I tried to do. I did my best not to worry. I laid it all before Him. And come exam time, I was one of the most relaxed and composed examinees. I guess I got worried only after the exams, hence my previous post. But God was faithful even if I wasn’t. And He forgave me for my fickleness.

Oh Lord, this victory is all Yours. I could never have done it without You. And all the glory I offer to You.

Tama nga ang sabi sa Matthew 6:33 - "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you".

Praise God!

Okay, how should
I start? Several hours after taking the last exam for the boards and I find
myself staring at the computer screen again. I’ve been thinking of writing this
while I was taking the exam. Yes, while taking the exam. I was distracted the
whole time. But now that I’m actually here, I can’t seem to write what I had in
mind earlier…

Anyway, I feel
strange. Or at least I think I do. Or maybe it’s that I don’t really feel
anything and I think that’s strange. It’s like I don’t really care but I do. In
my mind I do but I don’t seem to feel anything. Except maybe sleepiness, which
is starting to settle in right now. Maybe I should take that as a sign that I’m
not supposed to be doing this right now. I’ve uploaded some pics which my
cousin and I took immediately after I arrived home from the exam and at my
Lola’s birthday (which is also today). Let the pictures speak for themselves I
guess, hehe.

After a 2-hour break…

I’m back. Now
what did I want to say? Here goes…I didn’t review for the boards. Just browsed
through several books but never finished any of them (except the non-academic
ones, haha). I had samplexes but barely looked at them. Anybody at home would
probably say I studied ‘cause I’m good at pretending. I’d open a book and stare
at the same page for 3 hours. It was no use trying, my mind kept straying to
one thing, and one thing only (which I have no intention of divulging). So
eventually I gave up. Initially I’d just lay there, feeling too guilty to do
anything else because I knew I should be studying. So I wouldn’t even attempt
to turn on the TV or the computer. My only other allowable thing was to read
the bible or something related. Eventually I had to give in because as the exam
date drew near, the recurrent thoughts kept getting stronger so I thought I had
to do something to get it out of my mind. Because it’s something I desperately
want to get out of my system. So notice how active my Multiply and Friendster
accounts have been for the past few weeks.

Effective ba?
Not really because sometimes whatever I did online was somehow related, even if
very remote, basta related, to what I had been thinking about for three months
now. Yesterday ko lang naisip na mag-focus sa old schools ko na lang. Things
that were never associated with that “recurring thought”. It was effective for
several hours, while I was online. But when I got off, ayun na ulit.

Even during the
exam, these weird thoughts kept popping into my head. I would sometimes catch
myself daydreaming IN THE MIDDLE OF THE EXAM! I had to slap myself awake
several times during the exam today. It really bothered me. It still bothers
me. It bothers me that I let it bother me. Whaaat???

I have a couple
of days to wait for the results and I have no idea what to do in the meantime.
I’ve had a couple of invitations to drinking sprees but I’m in no mood and I
feel too guilty to even think of doing it. And I have no idea what to do after
the boards either, whatever the result may be.

The fact is, if
I fail, it’ll be all my fault. While taking the exams, I noticed how I was sure
of less than 50% of the answers. And more than 50% of the time, I had no idea
what the question was all about, I couldn’t even make an intelligent guess. And
it’s all because of what I’d done. But my family is confident because we’d all
prayed about it. So the fact is, if I pass, I know it won’t have anything to do
with whatever I did…it’ll purely be a miracle. Oh God, please give me a
miracle.

The fact is,
right now, I don’t even feel scared or anxious. But my mind seems to want to
be. All this time, throughout the board exam period, I’d remained calm and I
believe I have God to thank for that. I’m not really worried right now but
somehow my mind wants to think about it and about what ifs…although I think I
shouldn’t. It won’t do any good anyway. Not even when the results are out na.

Whatever
happens, all I know is, God has been faithful even if I hadn’t been. I know
He’ll take care of me. I’ll let it go now.

Time to let go
of THAT thought too. If only I could reformat my brain.

Yes, today is the day after my birthday (and coincidentally, the day before the board exams!). Thank you to all the people who took the time to greet me. From the first (which would be the people who greeted 1 day before, first of whom was Aina - coz she wanted to greet in advance, then Joy and Fer - coz they got my bday mixed up with Maws’s, and then my Auntie Let - coz she wanted to be first), to the last (so far, it’s Kai, don’t know if anybody still wants to send a belated message, hehe). Oh, but I forgot, the first one to greet me was my niece Arah pala coz she sent me a message a full 12 days ahead of my day. Followed by Fia, Gene, and Antoinette.

Anyway, I appreciate all the greetings. Some were expected – I wouldn’t have forgiven them if they’d forgotten! Haha. While others were surprise messages from people whom I’d expected to forget, or did not expect to remember, or did not think would care to greet. Thaaaank you. Those messages made my day. Although of course there were a couple of persons I was hoping to hear from, hearing from all the others more than made up for that. Far be it from me to allow the absence of a few greetings overshadow the tons of greetings I got. It’d be like focusing on the one black dot on an otherwise white piece of cloth. Anyway, that’s done.  To keep from thinking bad thoughts (hehe), I instead I focused on having fun. And fun I had.

The day was kinda slow, but with the messages I had to deal with, it progressed well. Then I had to go to PRC to check my exam venue, and then went back home. I was expecting only a handful of guests ‘cause I didn’t really invite anybody till around 5 pm. Only my cousins had said they would come before I started inviting people, and that was because we had a gathering at our home every Thursday. I wasn’t expecting a party until I found out Manang Edith had already cooked loads of food. So I had to find people who would be sure to come so that no food would be wasted. At first I told only my grandparents and two or three other people coz I thought there wouldn’t be enough food. Then told a couple more. People started trickling in around 6:30. But until around 7:30 there was still so few (not counting the people who actually live in our house). I felt like things weren’t as fun and time was passing so sloooooowly. When we started eating it was only the people who live with me plus lolo, lola, and Kuya Emil. Then after a long while came Ate Mhar, Migs, and Maggi, then Brean and Rizza. But come 8 PM everybody started arriving altogether! And then I was overwhelmed! And then I started really enjoying myself na. One thing I’ve learned about myself, I am usually shy with people that I am not used to, but I thrive in social situations with people that I am absolutely comfortable with. I even had fun doing the serving – making the iced tea, serving the ice cream, making sure everyone was eating – things that I wouldn’t ordinarily enjoy. Hehe. My sister arrived late because of night school so it felt for a while like I was having a birthday party all to myself!

The good thing about the people who came is that there is no need for anything fancy to please them. They are easy to please, and also eager to have fun (and also contribute to the fun). No need for alcohol or videoke. Just good old food and talk. I love these guys.

Anyway, my dad eventually had to tell me to go to sleep coz I had to start sleeping early so I’d be ready for the board exams so I had to retire even if I still had a couple of guests. My sister was left to tend to them. What a day it was.

I went to bed but was unable to sleep until around 2 hours after lying down – a problem I’ve had for a while. Partly also because I was waiting for late bday greetings, hehe. But overall, it was a fun night. Wish I could’ve invited a few more but that party was definitely not planned. My poor Manang Edith was sick but cooked just the same. Right now she’s in bed, trying to get better.

What made my day: birthday greetings, gifts (especially cash, hehe), birthday calls (top of the list: Janet’s overseas call from  Shanghai, China! She was my bestfriend during elementary and I was really not expecting a call. Maybe just an e-mail, coz I knew she was abroad! She was also the first to call me. Others would be Andre, Ate Michelle Ten-ten, and Rajah! Sorry if I forgot anybody), and getting a cheesecake! Hihi!

One thing to remember, birthdays should always be remembered because you never know if it’ll be the last. I have to admit, I am pretty bad at remembering. But the sad truth is that everybody at some point has a last birthday, you just never know when. So take advantage of birthdays. I took advantage of mine by telling the people whom I love, who greeted me that I love them. Thank God for this birthday! I hope for more to come, hehe!

    It’s that time of the year again! It’s my birthday so forgive me for being a bit sentimental…or mental, hehe. Anyway, I’m officially 24 today and only now has it sunken in that I am actually in my twenties already…kinda late, huh? And only now do I realize that yes, I am no longer a girl. Blame it on the fact that only these days do I really consider myself done with school – I actually have just the board exams to pass and then I’m a free agent. And that it is no longer acceptable that I remain fully dependent on my parents because I will soon have earning ability (although the truth of the matter is that they still hold the purse strings…)

    It is quite a relief to finally come into one’s own. But then you realize that you still have further training ahead and so will probably not be fully independent until a couple of years after starting your own practice. Oh life. Until a couple of months back, I still thought of myself as a girl. I often referred to my blockmates as kids. Maybe it’s just me, but it’s probably because I never took things seriously because I was still doing the lowest jobs in the hospital and at the same time taking exams still, and was still being referred to as a student (I took full advantage by paying student fares in public vehicles, hehe). Anyway, yes, it still has to sink in that I am a woman na…but that should have happened when I turned 18!

    It’s funny but just a year ago nobody ever mentioned me getting married (although they often joked about getting a boyfriend). They actually usually said, “wag muna”. But just this month, I’ve had several references to my being of marrying age! Huh? Didn’t they get the memo that I just broke up with my boyfriend?

    My lolo seems to be determined to marry me off, hehe. When we had a family devotion, he talked about things that will change once we each have our own families, how we won’t be able to spend as much time with them, etc…and he finished it off with – si Ada, mag-aasawa na, si Jasam, pupunta nang America…. Waaaait a minute! None of my siblings are married and I’m not the eldest. Why start the wedding list with me? And he actually ended it with me ‘coz he never mentioned anybody else getting married – which of course got my older sister’s goat! And then back when I had a boyfriend a couple of people brought up the fact that I am of the age that can get married without parental consent. My father promptly replied, “Subukan niya”. Barely 1 month into the relationship and my churchmates are already thinking about marriage? Funny. Well, I have nobody in mind, and I have nobody waiting, so there!

    Anyway, this is a funny age to be. I’m not quite there, but I’m heading somewhere, just not quite sure where. Other people my age have jobs, several have started their own families. But when I think about myself, I still think I’m a kid, everybody just grew up faster. Hehe.

    I don’t know how other people see me. Quite a few still see me as I was when I was a shy little kid. Some think I’m all woman. Some don’t even see me as a female, hahahaha. But one woman who’s known me since I was in gradeschool says she finds it hard to believe I’m actually a doctor na coz I still act like a child. Or is it just because I look young? Hehe. But yes, I am a doctor. And yes, I still act like a child (my poor ex could probably testify to that). But no, I’m not a child anymore. Have to keep reminding myself of that. But yes, I can remain a child at heart, can’t I?

    When you get to this age, you can expect less gifts from people. Although several remain thoughtful. Sometimes it’s actually a measure of how thoughtful you’d been in the first place (ang magreregalo lang yung mga niregaluhan mo dati). So that means hmmm…less than ten gifts for me this year? Hehe. Let’s see! It’s hard for somebody like me, who’s always had just enough cash to go to school. Hopefully things will change soon. That’d be great ‘coz I love giving gifts. Really. Oo. Totoo. No joke. Hehe. But it is true, it feels great to give gifts.

    At this age you also get less greetings. When I still had to go to school, somebody would inevitably tell everybody else in class, including the teacher, that it was my birthday. When I was in gradeschool we’d write a huge bday greeting on the blackboard whenever somebody had a birthday. When I was in college and the cellphone was still relatively new, and everybody was still missing high school, all my high school friends (and even acquaintances) were faithful in remembering and greeting me on my birthday. Nowadays, things have changed. My old blockmates from college are mostly engrossed with board exam preparations so they probably won’t remember (except for my barkada, whom I won’t forgive if they forget! Haha). A lot of my highschool friends are busy with work or whatever and some have lost touch. Haaay. Time was when I had to clear lots of space in my inbox for bday greetings. But it’s good though, ‘coz you get to see who remains thoughtful and true

    But let’s see, what’s the point of having a birthday? It’s a day to remember all the good that the Lord has done for you. I’ve never had a birthday all to myself because I was born on my sister’s third birthday. And during high school I shared a birthday with one of my classmates and even had to share a birthday card with him. I think that’s good because it means somebody will always remember my birthday! Hehe. And happiness shared means double the happiness! In my case, it’s triple the happiness coz there are three of us! So that’s one thing I thank God for.

    I also thank God for blessing me with a complete family. For my medical education. And for bringing so many wonderful people into my life. I thank Him for health and well-being. I thank Him for never leaving me even when I struggle against Him. I thank Him for being born a Filipino, and so I have a beautiful opportunity to serve my country. Well, I could go on and on but I have to stop writing so I can get ready to go to PRC na.

    Twenty-four. It’s a disconcerting age to suddenly wake up to, realizing that a chapter of your life has really ended. And that new and more exciting things are about to come. Things that wouldn’t be possible without finishing that old chapter.

    Board exams in two days! Woohoo!

    Happy birthday to the three of us!